what's your new year's resolutions?
by crispycrumblycrust
Summary: It's almost New Year. Lofty wants to end the year well and gets help from an unlikely candidate. (also features Gaskell)


_So, funny story, this is originally meant to be a short one and posted on Christmas, but I missed the deadline and forgot the show features holidays already. So now it's become this vague thing about new year (and pining). (apologies for the crappy formatting...)  
_

* * *

Christmas, that may have started this. Despite the Christmas decorations, carols, and gift exchange, it's not right to end the year in a similar, subdued manner. The aftermath of the shooting still lingers. It affects everyone in the hospital. Lofty isn't immune. He always needs to take several deep breaths to calm himself after a shift.

He's learned from the past. Champagne and fireworks aren't cures, but every bit helps to sooth the trauma.

He stares at Dom's back. Just because they aren't...together any more, doesn't mean they're strangers. Even if Dom doesn't see him as a friend, they're still colleagues. And colleagues look out for each other.

 _00_

The new Professor remains a hot topic as much as a mystery. Consultants and registrars ask him about his groundbreaking research, but he evades the curiosity. Instead, he focuses on nurses, porters, security. He wears expensive suits with a pin attached to the tie and a handkerchief in his breast pocket, yet behaves with a bit more ease in scrubs.

The first time they meet, he greets Lofty as if they're old friends. He's done his research, just as much as Lofty has done his _own_ research. Lofty almost apologizes, but something inside him halts the words. There's something about John – as he's requested to be addressed that way – that Lofty can't quite place.

But still, kindness and warmth are things that come easily to him, so he smiles and shakes his hand.

 _00_

It's hard not to miss the tall, suited form of Mr Hanssen. It's even harder to ignore Dom, in his scrubs, standing beside him. Lofty feels like an intruder, disturbing their privacy. He worries his lips. He can't slip back now, he's seen them.

The choice is made for him. Mr Hanssen says something to Dom, nods and walks up the stairs. Dom stares at him, a frown on his face, before he notices Lofty. He folds his arms across his chest and grimaces. A sign: Lofty should stay where he is.

"How did it go?" Lofty asks, not really expecting an answer. He's not sure if they still have their weekly meetings. If not, he's glad Dom isn't isolating himself from everyone. Lofty believes that companionship eases the grieving process – even if both parties are struggling with their own battles and pain.

Dom shrugs. "Fine." And then excuses himself.

He sighs. He's used to it by now, but the rejection still stings.

When the doors to Keller open again, he thinks for a second Dom's returned. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's back to apologize.

It's not.

John appears seemingly out of nowhere. Hegazes at him wordlessly, then pats him on the shoulder. He's not sure if the gesture is supposed to reassure him. The contact feels heavy, yet shallow. John takes the stairs, follows Mr Hanssen.

He stares at his retreating back, shakes his head after a while. No use trying to figure John out. Besides, he already has his hands full with Dom.

 _00_

It's good to see Mr Hanssen on Keller. People are worried about him. Him and Ms Naylor and Mr Valentine.

Dom notices Mr Hanssen, joins him, and smiles. A tired, but warm smile.

"It's difficult, isn't it?"

This time Lofty starts. He hasn't heard John at all. And now he's standing right beside him, gazing at the pair.

"To be this close to something, yet so far away. You yearn to talk to them, comfort them, earn their trust, but every attempt fails." His voice is flat, as if these thoughts have appeared in his mind countless times already, and no solution is found.

At first, Lofty thinks he's talking about himself and Dom, but his gaze is on something higher.

Abruptly, as if erasing the last few minutes from history, he grins, the kind that enhances his attractiveness.

"Well, as people say, patience is a virtue," John says. His grin doesn't reach his eyes.

He walks away, chooses the direction opposite to the one Dom and Mr Hanssen are.

 _00_

The first time John talks about himself, Lofty doesn't know what to think. Many of their colleagues will love to know more about John, even if they're only small details – John likes blue, apparently. He wonders why John's telling him this.

It's strange. Lofty still feels like an outsider sometimes, the same way the ED feels like different space, barely connected to the rest of the hospital. He has yet to visit his former colleagues, his friends. He misses them.

Perhaps John feels the same way. Perhaps that's the reason he keeps finding ways to talk to him. As if they're stuck in the same boat and should stick together.

Lofty doesn't say what his favourite colour is. He normally will. He's a very open person, but can't shake off the feeling that he should be careful with John.

 _00_

He's not the only one, Lofty realises soon.

"So you two are big chums now?" It's impossible to miss the biting tone in Dom's voice.

Lofty turns and stares with wide eyes, not believing that he deserves _that_. He's tried very hard not to antagonize Dom the past couple of weeks. Besides, he's no idea who Dom is talking about.

"Sorry?"

Dom rolls his eyes and nods his head towards the nurses station. The occupants barely hide the object of their interest casually leaning on the counter. "You and the _esteemed_ Professor." Sarcasm drips from every word.

Lofty sighs and reminds himself to take a moment. In different circumstances Dom will be as wrapped up with John as the others – a lingering glance at the bottoms, joining the rumour mill, daydreaming about unattainable men. But he's submerged by guilt, memories, and what-ifs.

Dom's waiting for an answer he doesn't have. He's too shocked. For Dom to even think for a moment that he's moved on. Many people see a perfect suitor in John – successful, handsome, smart – but he's not Lofty's type. Never has been. Besides...their breakup is still fresh in his mind, too.

If he doesn't know Dom better, he'll suspect he's jealous.

Meena of all people saves him, as she calls for Dom's assistance. She must have noticed something very serious. She worships John and can't keep her eyes off him.

He almost misses the soft, understanding smile on her lips before she hurries after Dom. He smiles back and hopes the smile reaches his eyes.

 _00_

Lofty forgets about it soon. Patients and paperwork wait for no one and they're already undermanned.

But Dom doesn't give up. He should have known how stubborn he can be.

"He's obviously up to something," he says the next day in the locker room. "Of all the people in this hospital, of all the nurses here, he chooses you. Even _you_ can't be that blind and naive."

Lofty knows he's not that special, but must Dom keep pushing him?

Normally, he'll fight back – even he has limits. But he can't. Dom is always the exception.

It's a defence mechanism, Lofty reminds himself. Dom hurts people before they can hurt him. Punch them before they punch him.

It makes him sad.

Dom must have seen something in his expression, for his eyes soften.

"What I mean to say is, be careful."

Their eyes meet. The worry he sees in his blue eyes, it almost overwhelms Lofty, tears threatening to spill. It takes all his strength not to step forward and hug him.

"And don't develop a crush." And the moment passes. Dom glances away and adjusts his pass. "We have enough of _that_ already."

He doesn't wait for an answer. He crosses the room and closes the door softly behind him.

 _00_

According to Donna, John may have a family, but certainly has people in his live that he cares about deeply. Lofty thinks about the mystery woman in the sketch. It's nowhere to be seen now. It's a shame. Dom has done a very good job framing it. He looked so proud then.

Despite the little titbits about John – most are given by John himself – he remains a mystery. He sometimes talks in a way that gives nothing away. It's too complicated for Lofty.

He should have known it's connected to the present as much as the past.

Mr Hanssen always greets him with _J_ _ohn,_ while he normally insists on proper conduct. And Mr Hanssen is one of the few people John doesn't address by first name. In fact, he usually remains silent. A solemn air surrounds him, none of his usual grins.

Just as this time. As he passes John, for a moment Lofty thinks he may step in his way and stop him. But nothing happens. He stands frozen in place as his eyes follow his retreating back.

Lofty recognises sadness and guilt, imagines he looks similar when he stares at Dom and thinks no one is looking. Regret lingers, full of wrong choices made in the past. Now, their loved ones have slipped right through their fingers. Lofty has no idea how to fix it. He wonders if John feels the same way.

 _00_

"We're colleagues, Dom."

He doesn't need to justify himself, but feels he should. Dom's words, meant to hurt him, contain an element of truth. It's strange for John to be on Keller so often, and not on Darwin. Or even on AAU. Despite the many meetings, John has yet to invite him to theatre, or even asked for his professional opinion on patients.

Shouldn't he be working on his research? He understands only a little but even Lofty knows that one cured person isn't enough evidence to convince the sceptics. John remains a mystery to him – just as Dom is a puzzle.

Dom doesn't believe him. "You're not the first and certainly not the last. Essie came before you. He charmed her, trapped her in his web. Now that Essie is interested, he retreats."

A very bleak way of viewing things, Lofty thinks.

"Mission complete. One more pawn converted. You're next," Dom predicts.

"Has he approached you too?" A sliver of worry coils around him. This conversation feels strange, filled with hidden layers. It reminds him of John: never simple, never without a purpose.

Dom scoffs. " _Professor_ Gaskell has come a bit too late."

A pause.

"An ex or two too late," he mutters under his breath.

 _00_

Perhaps that's the moment Lofty's made the decision.

He doesn't expect someone to notice, or even offer to help.

When John shows that easy grin, he knows he's caught.

"It's a great idea and don't worry about the funds," he says after Lofty's finished telling him about his plan.

Still, it doesn't feel right to accept his help.

"Are you sure?" Lofty asks. "I know how busy you've been."

Just as Sacha, he makes difficult decisions, assists struggling colleagues, and asks nothing in return. They both help where they can.

"It's fine," he answers quickly.

Lofty can't shake the feeling that he truly doesn't mind, even if he looks tired. It speaks of dedication...or perhaps something stronger, something _personal_. Perhaps John isn't as selfless as Sacha.

"The new year is all about a fresh start and new opportunities, correct?" John asks, changing the subject

His eyes are distant. Lofty wonders where his mind is. He suspects Mr Hanssen isn't such a far fetched guess

 _00_

Dom stops warning him. Instead, he's curt and cranky one moment, the next moment polite. It's that constant change that stops Lofty from pulling him aside and sharing his plan – how to end the year as best as they can.

Perhaps he _is_ jealous. Lofty supposes that's a good sign. Dom _cares._ He wants to push him, the same way Dom's pushed him, but as soon as that thought appears he discards it. He can't do it, not to Dom. Love is not a game. He's learned that the hard way

 _00_

During the last day of the year, he decides not to change things too much. Being together is the most important part, to experience warmth and closeness, and not weighted down by grief.

Donna's very helpful. She'll make sure to spread the news. By evening, Albies is filled with chatter and laughter.

As expected, John isn't here. He doesn't like the spotlight. At times, he pulls a vanishing act that rivals Mr Hanssen's.

Dom isn't here either. That shouldn't surprise him, yet a twinge of disappointment churns his stomach.

He nurses the same glass of champagne for hours, glances up every time the door opens. His hope is crushed every time.

 _00_

The walk back to Holby is luckily short.

He doesn't find who he's looking for. Instead, his eyes land on John, clad in black. He's alone. For once, eyes aren't following him, others aren't asking him questions. At first, he appears to be staring at nothing in particular, enjoying the peace and quiet. When Lofty comes closer, he realises his eyes are focused on the building. One window in particular: Mr Hanssen's office.

Lofty stops beside him and glances up. He's never noticed before how tall the building is.

"Sometimes, in his office, Mr Hanssen locks the door. He turns off the lights, sits in his chair and ignores the rest of the world." The way John speaks suggests he's familiar with it. It speaks of shared history.

Lofty opens his mouth, but what can he say? He doesn't know how to help. The silence lingers.

"Have you found Mr Copeland?"

Mr Copeland, not _Dom,_ not the way John usually greets people. Lofty feels as if he's missing something crucial, the same way he always misses the subtle tic that accompanies a lie.

He shakes his head.

"I haven't found Mr Hanssen either," John says softly. "His car spot is vacant."

Lofty recognises that tone. When one's expectations are squashed, it becomes hard to hide the aftermath. It's one of the reasons he hasn't hailed a cab. The cool breeze hitting his cheeks and the _step, step, step_ calms him.

He doesn't know how long they're standing here, huddled together in the cold. Together yet alone, each lost in memories.

He has sparkles in his pocket, saved two for him and Dom. He glances at John. He will offer one to him, but John likely won't accept. He doesn't seem the type to wave around harmless spectacles.

He sighs and stares straight ahead. At least the rest are having fun at Albies. They deserve it, each one of them.

He flinches as fireworks explode high in the sky. They've missed the countdown. Lofty has never missed it before.

"Happy new year," John says, his voice loud, lacking the normally soft, almost soothing tones.

Lofty strains his ears to hear him over the noise.

"Have you made any new year's resolutions?" John asks, leaning forward and almost shouting in his ear. They stand so near each other. So many of his admirers will be jealous of him. Lofty feels nothing.

He thinks of birthdays and shooting stars – make a wish and it will come true. It's supposed to stay a secret. But this is not a wish. It's supposed to be shared. Yet he can't.

"Yes." He hopes he won't ask further questions.

Gaskell nods and remains silent. Lofty's glad – it's personal. He wishes for someone else, the one that's always on his mind. He hopes Dom will heal, be in less pain and hurt – he ignores a small voice whispering _I want to be_ with _Dom,_ _always and forever_ _._

One peek at John and Lofty knows he's wishing for someone else too, perhaps even thinking something similar, but less mushy.

He hopes Dom and Mr Hanssen are celebrating the new year together. He pictures them somewhere secluded, clinking champagne glasses, watching the fireworks safely in the hospital, finding solace in each other.

Reality is likely far bleaker: they've both clocked out and are likely alone.

Just as John and him are, despite each other's company.

* * *

 _Gotta have angst and ust before 2018. It'll be fine_ _since next spring will be time for dom/lofty to shine. Not so much for Hanssen (and let's not start with shady Gaskell...)._


End file.
